Listen Before You Speak // Essential Life Skills, Part 7

A Different Perspective Official Podcast

When it comes to life skills that really make a difference, knowing how to listen, how to shut up and how to speak the truth – well, I think that they would have to be right up there in the category of absolute essentials. So why is it that so often, we get this so wrong?

Now when it comes to life skills that really make a difference, knowing how to listen, how to shut up and then when to speak the truth, well I think that they would have to be right up there in the category of absolute essentials. So why is it that so often we get this so wrong?

Isn’t it just the most amazing thing when somebody actually takes the time to stop and listen to what you have to say? I don’t mean that they stop talking just long enough to figure out the next thing that they’re going to say, I mean when someone actually takes the time to listen to you and really understand what it is that you’re trying to get across.

I have to confess, I am not naturally a good listener. I’m born to talk, to do what I’m doing right now. As a brash young IT consultant I used to think that communication was all about me talking and showing other people how clever I was. Fortunately, I had a mentor, a man 20 years my senior who took the time to teach me the incredible power of listening.

It’s something, by the way, that I’m still learning and I suspect that many of us need to keep working on it because listening, stopping, taking the time to understand someone else even if you don’t agree with them, is one of the most important, the most powerful, life skills that we can ever learn. James chapter 1, verse 19:

You must understand this my beloved, that everyone be quick to listen but slow to speak.

We live in a world where the exact opposite is true. Whether it’s face-to-face or on social media, everybody it seems is talking but very few are actually listening.

Recently a good friend of mine in his 80s passed away and his widow asked me to take his funeral service. I was sitting with her, her daughters and the funeral director in their home planning the funeral and for the most part I just listened. At this point I quietly gave thanks to my mentor who all those years before had taught me the power of just listening. There were times in that two hours or so where frankly I thought they could have made up their minds much more quickly about this detail or that, but that wasn’t the point. It wasn’t about me, it was about them, their grieving process and the way they wanted to say farewell to their husband and father.

I noticed too that even though she had a job to do, the funeral director was an incredibly good listener. I walked away from that time feeling so privileged at having been able to be there and just listen to them talk. Come on, it’s a privilege to hear what’s going on in someone else’s heart. And it so honours the other person, it shows them such respect when we simply sit down, shut up and take the time to listen.

Let everybody be quick to listen and slow to speak. But of course listening isn’t something that comes naturally to many people.

Most of us, I think, are uncomfortable with silence. We think that in order for the conversation to flow somebody needs to be talking and if nobody else is we’d better say something. Anything will do, just something to get rid of that uncomfortable silence.

How often have you stupidly blurted something out just to break the silence? Pretending that you know about something that really you have no idea about? We’ve all been there and the people around you don’t know whether to laugh or just be embarrassed for you. The more we speak, our thinking goes, the more knowledgeable it makes us look. When in reality the exact opposite is true. Along with the skill of listening, the skill of simply being silent is one of the most important life skills that we can ever learn. Proverbs chapter 17, verses 27 and 28:

One who spares his words is knowledgeable; one who is cool in spirit has understanding. Even fools who keep silent are considered wise; when they close their lips they are deemed intelligent.

At this point, I’m reminded of the young man by the name of Ben with whom I’ve been working recently. He’s an expert in social media and digital communications. And of all the people I’ve met in my life, he more than anybody embodies this scripture. I recall we were in a meeting with some web developers planning something new. I jump here and ask a question there, share a thought. The head developer asked Ben whether he had any questions. ‘No’, he said, "I’ll just wait". He sat there without saying anything for quite a while, observing, thinking, listening. But when he did open his mouth, his few words displayed a wisdom and an insight well beyond his years. Instead of being keen to impress he was very much cool in spirit, calm, measured. Let me tell you, very, very impressive.

At what point did we start thinking that talking was the most important part of communicating? At what point did we begin to imagine that battling on about things that we really don’t understand, showing off with our many words, was the way to impress other people? This proverb is spot on. The one who speaks fewer words ultimately comes across as the more knowledgeable one and even the fool when he sits silent appears to be wise.

In a world where everybody’s trying to put their best foot forward, where so many people are trying to impress us with what they have to say, silence, knowing when not to speak, is more important than ever.

The Bible is full of life skills, essential life skills. And these skills are very rarely taught explicitly in our upbringing. We’re meant to pick them up I think by osmosis. But God doesn’t leave these things to chance. One to spares words is knowledgeable; one who is cool in spirit has understanding. You’ve no doubt heard that old saying: we have two ears and one mouth so we should use them in the same proportion. In other words we should listen about twice as much as we speak. It’s a good adage that remains every bit as true today as it was back when the pace of life and the pace of communication were much slower.

But when we do finally speak, when we do open our mouths having listened and understood other people, what should we say? Well, let’s start with another question. What do people usually say? In my experience it’s one of two things. They either tell me what they want me to hear or what they think I want to hear.

All too often people are pushing their own agendas so they tell us what they want us to hear, trying to get us to agree with them. That’s why the shop attendant invariably tells you that you look fantastic in that item of clothing you’ve just tried on because what they want is the sale.

Other times they’ll tell you what they think you want to hear, to butter you up and gain favour that they can call upon at a later time because frankly, telling someone something that they don’t want to hear often doesn’t get good results. It’s awkward, uncomfortable and often time leads to conflict. So when you open your mouth what should you be telling people? Ephesians chapter 4, verses 14 and 15:

We must no longer be children tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery, by their craftiness and deceitful scheming. But speaking the truth in love we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.

What should we be telling people? Answer: we should be speaking the truth in love. Not what we want them to hear to get them to agree with us and not what they want to hear to curry favour with them, but the truth. And not the truth in a rude, confrontational, disrespectful way. The truth delivered that way will rarely be accepted, even though it is the truth. No, we’re called to speak the truth in love with kindness, with gentleness, with the other person’s interests at heart.

The older I get the more I find myself looking for people who’ll tell me the truth. I want to know what they really think, what they really feel. I want to be dealing in the facts that will help me to make the best decisions even when the facts happen to point out one of my weaknesses, mistakes or faults. I respect that. What should we be saying when we speak? The truth, in love.