Love in Action: Implementing the Two-Minute Secret for a Happy Marriage with Heidi Poelman

Helping Families Be Happy

The Two Minute Secret To Staying in Love, 12/08/2023

On today's episode of the "Helping Families Be Happy" podcast, host Christopher Robbins, co-founder of Familius Publishing, husband, father of nine, author, fisherman, backpacker, and aspirational musician based in the Central Valley of California, talks to Heidi Poelman. Heidi is an author of books such as "Women in Science Who Changed the World.” She holds degrees in communication from Brigham Young University and Wake Forest University, and has dedicated her time to writing, serving with a non-profit in Africa, and managing vacation rentals.

Episode Highlights:

• 02:00: Christopher introduces Heidi's book, "The Two-Minute Secret for Staying in Love," and discusses the honeymoon stage in relationships. Heidi elaborates on the initial chemistry in relationships, mentioning that researchers suggest this phase lasts about two years.
• 03:24: Christopher addresses the challenges in marriages and divorces, leading to a discussion on researcher John Gottman's insights. Heidi talks about bids for attention and their significance in predicting the success of a relationship.
• 06:02: Heidi introduces the concept of a "space between" in relationships, where actions either create connections or remove them.
• 7:20: Heidi outlines three areas for intentional skills and habits for building strong relationships: thoughts, words, and deeds. She emphasizes the power of positive thoughts about one's spouse, providing an example of giving the benefit of the doubt in thoughts.
• 8:50: Heidi discusses the impact of words in relationships, emphasizing the need for positivity. Christopher and Heidi explore the importance of balancing necessary dialogues with positive affirmations in words.
• 10:05: Christopher and Heidi discuss the positive impact of kind thoughts leading to kind words and actions. They emphasize the ease and effectiveness of expressing affection through simple acts like sending a text.
• 12:11: Christopher connects the concept of the two-minute secret to building a strong foundation in a relationship over time through repeated, conscious efforts.
• 13:38: Heidi highlights the importance of validation, quick forgiveness, and timely apologies in managing conflicts. She shares a personal experience of using the technique of summarizing each other's perspectives during an argument to enhance understanding and problem-solving.
• 14:51: Christopher and Heidi discuss the misconception of trying to "win" in a relationship and emphasize the importance of prioritizing the relationship over individual victories.
• 16:19: Heidi talks about not sweating the small stuff in relationships and shares the importance of finding humour in minor inconveniences. She suggests embracing imperfections, laughing about them, and creating a culture of kindness and service.
• 18:17: Heidi suggests asking your partner, "How do you feel loved?" as a powerful way to understand their unique needs and preferences.

Key Points:

1. Two-Minute secret for staying in love concept involves small, intentional actions in thoughts, words, and deeds, emphasizing the importance of conscious effort in relationships.
2. Acknowledging and engaging with your partner's attempts to connect can contribute to a healthier relationship.
3. Focusing on positive thoughts about your partner, using kind words, and performing thoughtful actions are foundational elements for maintaining a strong and lasting connection.

Tweetable Quotes:

• "In marriage, if you win, you lose. We shouldn't be trying to make our point to prove why we're right. We should be saying I'm going to let the relationship win." - Heidi Pullman
• "A powerful thing we can do is ask our spouse, 'How do you feel loved?' Having a culture of asking questions and seeking to understand each other is pretty powerful." - Heidi Pullman
• "Conscious, repeated effort over time makes a difference. It's not meant to say that being in love is easy, but that conscious effort over time can create a positive impact." - Heidi Pullman

Resources Mentioned:

• https://www.heidipoelman.com/