Covid-19 Anxiety

POETIC PROCESS

I can't cry with the fear that It’ll aggravate my symptoms

Chest tight blurry vision

My body is weak

I don’t want to speak to quickly as ill become breathless

Can’t think to eat

trying to stay up with fear of drifting during my sleep

No one to talk to I’m probably fine

it’s all in my mind

I know ill be a patient soon Im aware

I stare at the wall foreseeing what's near

oxygen, Ambient, and fluoxetine will soon be part of my daily needs

How do I know, because I do

If you knew me you would know too

I write to you

the other me to get through because the emergency room isn’t an option

I’ve been to the urgent care twice

All I can do is pray to make it through the night

despite feeling breathless

how reckless can I be

How sickly did I not know I was

I look above and I might find peace

as tears fall from my eyes

Have I been chosen

I’m tired god

I’’m awaken

Im sorry god for I have forsaken you

Ive always taken care of me through the grace of you

Ive always taken care of me because no one else did

nor is it their responsibility

but I can't do this anymore

I’ve been brought to my knees

Ive suppressed my feelings Ive put on smiles

I’ve pressed through anxiety?

Or that's what they told me

But never have I ever experienced such a thing

This December 2019

I felt like a dark spirit had moved into my body and posted

As I walked freely I felt like something was squeezing my diaphragm

I consistently had body aches mutt-led taste and a low desire for eating

I lost 20 pounds on the couch that winter

I didn’t recognize myself

to have lost control in this way

I didn’t know what to say

to not have an answer confused me

I’m used to controlling everything

but when your body turns there is no barring

back to work I pushed though plane to plane

swollen cavs, and toes, rashes along my thoracic cavity

hot tea hot tea everyday I drank

sleeping sitting up to help my airway

it wasn’t easy those beginning weeks

then boom quarantine

theres this new thing covid-19

I’ve heard of it but I didn’t know the extent of the symptoms

no one did

apparently my doctors neither

I had been taking Xanax, albuterol, and hydroxyzine.

For what they deemed late-onset asthma and panic attacks because of it.

I don’t blame them

I don’t feel resentment

I believe hydroxyzine saved my life

antihistamine properties helps the fight peer reviews pub med posted this twice

flight to flight LA to Baltimore Denver to Lubbock to Houston to Austin Iowa to Kansas to Kansas back to fucking Kansas !

it was inevitable I get it again poison through my veins

same thing heavy in the chest I can’t breath

plane to plane with recycled air

face mask down face mask up face mask down face mask up

somebodies eating nuts nobody gives a fuck

but I’m the hero with checks with a whole lotta zeros

hospital to hospital lab to lab

testing equipment making big fucking bags

but I’m not breathing eating from someone else hands

sleeping in bougie moderately sanitized hotel rooms

cheesing barely sleeping

not wanting to breathe in gasps after gasps

contaminating my lungs but its big big fun

flewed out only home on Saturdays if you wanna to see me mother fucka betta catch a plane

3 years down the fucking drain

patriarchy on my neck

I just want a breath

I fucking fucking quit