12th Trimester Abortion | Jake Novak, SlowPuke, and the Micro Wrestling Federation

Pop Uncultured

This week on Pop Uncultured, more Tik Tok! This piece of junk filth app is crammed to the gills with subhuman homunculi of the lowest caste, and we just can't get enough of it. It's like getting free samples at the ice cream store. Sure, we could just go for a triple scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough out of the gate, but why not sample a bunch of small spoonfuls of every flavor? I actually just answered that question in my head, because 50% of the flavors probably suck my dork.
But first, we discuss cursive! I know what you're thinking, pretty boring podcast topic, right? Yes. You're right. Don't be smug about it. After that we move into a follow-up on my stay at the infamous Stanley Hotel. I stayed in a particularly haunted room, on a particularly haunted floor, at a world famous haunted hotel, taunting demons and ghosts to rape and/or possess me, during gay month. Surely, you'd think I'm a shoo-in for a paranormal experience...more fool you! It's just another overpriced hotel with rickety-ass floors. The scariest thing I experienced was a lack of air conditioning, and also the elevator was really small and I had to share it with two fat people this one time and they breathed all over me.
Tik Tok on the clock, but the party don't stop! (remember Ke$ha?) We start our Tokking with a wispy little baby man named Jake Novak, shamelessly bragging about his musical comedy aptitude in a laborious entreaty to Lorne Michaels for employment on popular sketch show "Mad TV". This small, brittle cretin thinks that to join comedy titans the likes of Will Sasso, Michael McDonald, Aries Spears, and Artie Lange, all he needs to do is aim a telephone at himself while he prances around like a ninny, simultaneously chirping unfunny lyrics to a jaunty music bed of Fischer Price Baby's First Piano. Well he's probably right. He might just be the breath of fresh air Mad TV needs, I hear they haven't been doing well in recent years.
Fortuitously, the aforementioned dingbat leads us to bae, my future wife. Her TikTok account is called Slowpuke, her name is Caitlin, her hair is the same coppery red of the fire burning and yearning for her in my soul. She wears wrestling shirts and plays Elder Scrolls and has a voice both sweet and powerful, like honey poured over thunder. Anyway this bitch does a TikTok calling Jake Novak a homo or something, and that's a-okey-day in my book.
But now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the main event! Weighing in at an average of 65 pounds, standing at an average of 3'7, hailing from a broom closet in Ohio...the men and women of the Micro Wrestling Federation! That's right, folks, a wrestling organization purely comprised of little people. See? I can be politically correct. These guys are workhorses, seriously. I permanently annihilated my spine within a year of wrestling training, so I understand some of the trials these pint-sized performers are going through. They're touring pretty much nonstop, from the rolling hills of Ohio to the rolling hills of Ohio, these micros are booked solid, taking bumps every night despite having the life expectancy of a golden retriever. Towards the end, we come up with a great business idea. As a businessman of great repute, I'm all about making my money work for me, as you'll hear in this episode. And if this business plan goes on as expected, and the fine folk of the MWF hear this episode or read the description, I'm probably gonna get my ass jumped by gang of hardcore dwarves. So long as I get to seal the deal with Banessa, I'll be happy to die in a gutter, bleeding out from a thousand tiny stab wounds.
https://www.tiktok.com/@whoisjakenovak
https://www.tiktok.com/@slowpuke
https://www.tiktok.com/@microwrestlingfederation