Redefining Success

Authentic Men's Group podcast

Redefining Success

It is important to define success for ourselves. If we do not, it will be defined for us.

The Construct of Success:

Merriam-Webster’s definition:

• the fact of getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame.
• the correct or desired result of an attempt.
• a person or thing that succeeds.

Defining childhood upbringing and development of messages we received about success.

• It was about being a hero, saving people, having fame and accomplishments, getting good grades. (Athletes, superheroes, scientist/inventor, youtube celebrities)
• They all had messages attached to them - be the smartest, strongest, best-looking, well-known, have everything you want (more)
• The message is that success is the opposite of failure, with failure being labeled something negative or unwanted and even impacting the way we view our value as a human being.

Heuristics in our thinking about success.

Definition: rule-of-thumb that can be applied to guide decision-making based on a more limited subset of the available information. Example: Hot stove or driving a car

We could have a lapse in critical thinking or applying a simple rule that has been marketed or inherited to success being more, wealth or fame.

Masculinity and success - Achievement. Masculinity is often misunderstood as a sort of status that can be constantly earned through success, challenged, policed, and even taken away due to failures.

Men are far more likely to internalize than actually process the emotions that follow failure. This leads to problems in the long run. When men internalize their failures we call that Shame. It can be toxic and keep us stuck. When we process the emotions that are coming up through a perceived failure with close relationships we turn that shame into guilt. Guilt is constructive and helps us identify where we can grow.

The Deconstruct of Success:

In our culture it tends to be about up and to the right; it’s about more and better.

Instead we could consider going back where we came from “into the cave” because we know where everything is and we could help others get out.

If not aware, success can be about the next goal while leaving our past success behind or not maintenanced. We must consider all the circles, especially inner circles, when setting new goals.

The Reconstruct of Success:

The Circle of Relationships Paradigm, or way of thinking, is a model that we talk about constantly in AMG.

The key is to live from ‘the inside out, not from the outside in’

Success changes with the seasons of life. I just got married three weeks ago. My success has changed. Me getting home to my beautiful wife by 6pm is a success I strive for!

Getting to a mountain top is only good for a short period. Revel in the accomplishment.

We don’t want to settle there because it is the place of most exposure, it is barren and desolate.

We must define and redefine what success and failure is to us on a regular basis. What do we aspire to and how do we reach it and maintain it? It is also important to understand that success is always a blank canvas, you don’t actually get to mark off success from the list of life.

Remember, it is in our human nature to reach.

Be the most successful person in the world by comparing yourself to yourself and the things you want. What are the things you want and why? Then find a pro and learn from them, don’t compare just learn and apply yourselves with the 8 rules from 8 to be great by Richard St. John.

Success is not a one way street, it's a continuation.

Here are 8 things to continuously work on by Richard St. John and his book 8 to be great:

1. Passion - it excites you and is connected to a strong why (preferably loving self).
2. Work - do the work and find meaningful work.
3. Focus - be intentional and have direction.
4. Persistence - consistency is crucial.
5. Ideas - be creative and have an open mindset.
6. Excellence - get really good at something (Mastery takes 10,000 hours from the book Outliers by Malcome Gladwell).
7. Push - get outside of comforts.
8. - Serve others - keep others in mind to make it meaningful.

We must have a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset and remember success changes with the seasons of life.