Unlocking Authenticity: The Neuroscience of Relationships

Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning

Welcome back to Season 12 of the Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast! In episode 345, we continue our 18-week self-leadership series based on Grant Bosnick's tailored approaches. This week, we dive into Chapter 15, exploring the neuroscience of relationships and authenticity.

We revisit key insights on relationship-building from past episodes and introduce the concept of authenticity, drawing on reflections from Andrea Samadi and insights from Mohamed Issa's forthcoming book. Learn what authenticity means, how it impacts our lives, and practical steps for fostering genuine connections with others.

Discover the balance between the reflexive and reflective systems in our brain, and how understanding these can enhance our social interactions. Reflect on your unique gifts and talents, and find out how to nurture them to build deeper, more authentic relationships.

Join us for an enlightening episode that blends neuroscience with practical advice, helping you to live a more authentic life and improve your personal and professional relationships.

On today's episode #345 we continue with our 18-Week Self-Leadership Series based on Grant Bosnick’s “Tailored Approaches to Self-Leadership: A Bite Size Approach Using Psychology and Neuroscience” that we first dove into with our interview on EP #321[i] the end of January. The goal was that each week, we focused on learning something new, (from Grant’s book) tied to the most current neuroscience research, that builds off the prior week, to help take us to greater heights in 2024.

On today's EPISODE #345 “The Neuroscience of Relationships and Authenticity” we will cover:

✔ A review of one of our FIRST interviews, with Greg Wolcott EP #7, July 2019 on his book Significant 72

✔ Ch. 15 from Grant Bosnick’s Tailored Approaches to Self-Leadership book on “Relationships and Authenticity

✔ A review of Mo Issa’s definition of Authenticity from his book, The Shift: How to Awaken to the Aliveness Within

✔ The Neuroscience of Our Social Brain

✔ 4 Steps to Building More Authentic Relationships

For Today, EPISODE #345, we are moving on to Chapter 15, reviewing “The Neuroscience of Relationships and Authenticity.” We’ve covered relationships on this podcast, right back to the beginning, with Greg Wolcott EP #7, (July 2019) with his book Significant 72: Unleashing the Power of Relationships in Today’s Classrooms. Greg Wolcott, an Assistant Superintendent from Chicago, IL, has dedicated his life to this topic through his work at Signficant72.com.[iii] It’s here where you can learn more about Greg’s Relationship Mindset Movement, his book, tools, and resources to improve student-teacher relationships in the classroom. Relationships are also one of the six social and emotional competencies that we built our podcast framework upon, knowing how important relationship skills are for our well-being and future success. “Social relationships—both quantity and quality—affect mental health, health behavior, physical health, and (even our) mortality risk.”[iv]

If you’ve taken the leadership self-assessment[v], look to see if Relationships and Authenticity (in Pathway 6, our final pathway in this book study) along with biases, trust and empathy is of a low, medium or high priority for you to focus on this year. I was not surprised to see this pathway is a high area of focus for me.

While we have covered relationship building often on this podcast, the one topic we have NOT covered yet is authenticity. This is interesting timing for me, as I’m currently reading a book by a good friend, Mohammed Issa[vi], where he covers the topic of authenticity, in depth. It’s the title of chapter 8 of his forthcoming book, The Midlife Shift[vii] (Reclaiming My Authenticity). I remember years before Mo wrote this book, I could tell he was thinking deeply about this topic. In 2021 he sent me a message, and asked me “what does living an authentic life mean to you?”

I take questions from Mo seriously over the years. I know he’s not messing around. I can go back to my notes from 2021 and I can see that I wrote a few pages of “what authenticity means to me.” These notes are important for today’s episode, and when we meet with Mo the middle of next month.

I wrote: Authenticity: is being genuine or real.

What’s authentic for me personally—it’s living life according to my values. And this takes ongoing refinement. I know what’s important and what drives me daily (health is at the top of my value chart, and I’d never compromise it—it’s first, what I focus on the minute I wake up, and close my eyes at the end of each day). Living life authentically for me, is putting health as my backbone of strength, which I’ve found helps me to skyrocket my personal and professional life. It’s been this way for me, for as long as I can remember.

Living an authentic original life: means living who I am by design.

After health, I prioritize what unique expressions I want in my life—growth/challenge (come next) and these things that I value make me authentic/and uniquely me. I have to fight for these values in my life—to go after them, and keep them at my forefront, because only I know what’s best for me here. If I’m not putting health first, (for myself and my family) or learning, growing, researching, and then disseminating/sharing what I’ve learned, I’m not living my true authentic self. It will hurt my productivity if I compromise who I am, at this granular level.

I took some time off from producing episodes earlier this year, and while it was great to have this extra time, I ended up using this time for things that didn’t truly make me happy at the soul level, like this work does.

What about you?

What does authenticity mean to you? How do you know when you are living a truly authentic life? It’s eye-opening once we know this about ourselves, so we can course correct, when we veer off this path of authenticity. Do you know what is special about you? What are your unique gift/talent that makes you stand out from others? A talent that you know deep inside that you must keep working and perfecting, as it’s this talent that awakens your aliveness?

I love how Mo Issa defines authenticity, which shows up as a theme in all his books. After years of self-reflection, Mo believes that “true authenticity means being ourselves—not an imitation of what we think we should be or what others want us to be. We all have a unique gift, and we must find and nurture it.” (Mo Issa, The Shift).

Getting back to Chapter 15 of Grant Bosnick’s book; what does he have to say about being authentic? Bosnick says that before we can build authentic relationships with others, he has us consider what authenticity means to us first.

He says that being authentic is: “being real, being honest and true with yourself, being vulnerable, letting go of your own ego, looking not only at what you like about yourself, but also the “darker part that can be improved or changed (I’ve heard this called our “shadow work”) and having the courage, humility, and discipline to take a hard look in the mirror at who you are.” (Chapter 15, Relationships, Bosnick).

Bosnick covers what holds us back from being authentic and he lists: “fear of being vulnerable, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of abandonment, competitiveness, insecurity, self-protection, jealousy, fear of not being good enough” well I pretty much resonated with the entire list. Some of his list more than others, but right up there, for me, would be “fear of not being good enough” which I’ve been working on for the past 25 years.

When I let go, finally, of caring what other people think of me, it was probably the most freeing experience I’ve ever felt. Sure, it’s nice to be liked by others, but also, to know that not everyone will connect with who I am, the authentic me, and to let go of caring about that, is freeing.

Being Authentic:

What does this mean to you? Do any of the items on Bosnick’s list keep you from being truly authentic? He asks us some reflection questions:

What might be holding you back from being truly authentic? What can you do, even small steps, to help you feel more comfortable with being who you are? Being truly authentic?

Being Fake or Superficial

Bosnick goes on to describe why some people show up as fake or superficial. I always think of the character Eddie Haskel from the TV Show Leave it to Beaver when I’m thinking of a “fake” person. He was always trying to impress Mrs. Cleaver, and he came across as insincere. We can all spot people like this, and Bosnick reminds us of why people can come across this way. He says that “it’s in our comfort zone, we want to be liked, it’s easier, our ego gets in the way (and that change can be difficult) when we don’t have the courage, humility and discipline needed to take a hard look in the mirror at who we are.” (Chapter 15, Bosnick, Page 177).

What are some reasons for not being authentic?

Bosnick thinks “insecurity, jealousy, inner competitiveness, fear, self-protection” can keep us from not showing others our true selves, and in turn, we can appear fake or superficial. Brene Brown writes about The Power of Vulnerability[viii] as the “birthplace of joy, belonging, authenticity and love” in her 2012 book, with suggestions for how to prevent us from appearing fake in this process. Her book teaches us “how to practice courage, and accept imperfection, to embrace vulnerability and acknowledge our fears.”[ix] She dives into exploring the power of authenticity, of being true to our feelings, thoughts, and actions as the backbone to living an authentic life.

With this in mind, going back to Bosnick’s book, he mentions that he struggled with being vulnerable, with letting others see his true authentic self, and felt he needed to protect himself, but when he “let people see the real me. It was so rewarding and felt so good (and) freeing (so he then) decided to have the courage to be authentic and real.” (Chapter 15, Bosnick, Page 177) He was fully aware that some people might not like him, but he knew that was ok, as he knew he would build the right relationships, with those who did.

Reflection on Being Authentic

He then asks the reader to reflect:

What holds you back from truly being authentic? How can you become more comfortable with being authentic?

I went back to Mo Issa’s definition that we covered in the beginning of this episode that “true authenticity means being ourselves—not an imitation of what we think we should be or what others want us to be. We all have a unique gift, and we must find and nurture it.” (Mo Issa, The Shift).

We will go deeper into Mo Issa’s work when we meet with him next month, but I think that this is what we are supposed to discover about ourselves (FIRST) through self-awareness, and only then, (once we are clear on who we are) can we build more authentic relationships with others.

To close out Bosnick’s chapter 15, on relationships and authenticity, he does cover being self-focused vs other-focused, valuing differences, overcoming our own egos, and putting other people first, which was the theme of Simon Sinek’s famous book, Leaders Eat Last.[x] Simon Sinek penned this book when he noticed that some teams trusted each other so deeply that they would literally put their lives on the line for each other. Other teams, no matter what incentives were offered, were doomed to infighting, fragmentation and failure. Why Sinek wondered? Well, the answer became clear during a conversation with a Marine Corps general who said "Officers eat last." Sinek watched as the most junior Marines ate first while the most senior Marines took their place at the back of the line. Great leaders sacrifice their own comfort--even their own survival--for the good of those in their care.

Bosnick calls this “other focused” and reminds us that “in order to build truly authentic relationships, we need to overcome our own ego and put others first.” (Chapter 15, Bosnick, Page 182). Bosnick does cover the different needs of extroverts and introverts, that we have covered on EP 186[xi] as well as different behavioral styles that can help us to learn how to better interact with other people who have different “styles” than we do.

The Neuroscience of Our Social Brain

To close out chapter 15, Bosnick goes into the Neuroscience of Our “Social Brain” and covers the story of the famous Phineas Gage, Neuroscience’s Most Famous Patient.[xii] Without going too deep into the neuroscience, Bosnick explains that “we have two systems in our brain: the X-system and the C-system. The X-system (or reflexive system) is automatic, responsive, like/dislike, reward/threat. Since this part of our brain is non-thinking, it’s not affected by our mental load.

The C-system (or reflective system) is controlled, conscious, with executive function and executive control.” (Chapter 15, Bosnick, Page 186). Motivation and effort are required to engage this part of the brain, and it can be affected by our mental load.

X-system (reflexive)=automatic

C-system (reflective) =we need motivation and effort to activate

The story of Phineas Gage goes like this: “in 1948 in the United States, (he) survived a blast while building a railroad, which shot a tamping iron through the front part of his brain. Remarkably, he survived. However, his behavior had changed. Where before, he was a mild-tempered, respecting person, his behavior was now to seek reward without consequences, operating only by habit, (and he turned) rude…He destroyed the C-system, (his controlled thinking) operating on X-system only. In other words, he had no control over his automatic, reflexive system, and his behavior became unbearable as a result. He treated everybody as an object for his own personal reward.” (Chapter 15, Bosnick, Page 186).

The C-system, (that requires motivation and effort to activate) Bosnick explains, is important for self-reflection and understanding self/other relations and occurs in the front (middle) part of our brain. We know this part of our brain as the Default Mode Network[xiii], and the part of our brain where we take breaks for creativity, thinking and learning to occur. He adds to our understanding here by saying that “when the brain is at a resting state, this specific system kicks in, which is focused around social understanding (thinking about yourself, others’ thoughts, others’ actions etc.).”

Bosnick reminds us to “stare out the window and do nothing and (says) your life will thank you, and it will help you to build more authentic relationships. This was the whole idea behind EP 48[xiv], on Using Brain Network Theory to Stay Productive During Times of Chaos.

Bosnick Reminds Us to Go Slow to Go Fast

I can’t even tell you how many times I have heard the phrase “go slow, to go fast” this week, and here it is at the end of chapter 15. Bosnick says that “in order to build truly authentic relationships with people, we need to go slow, to go fast.” He suggests that we “slow down the conversation with people, truly listen to them empathetically and be fully present with them. This will build the relationship to be deeper…go slow with the conversation and communication in order to go fast with the depth of the relationship.” (Chapter 15, Bosnick, Page 187).

Reflection Activity: Building More Authentic Relationships

Bosnick suggests the following reflection activity for building more authentic relationships.

Think of a person in your business, or personal life, that you would like to build a more authentic relationship with. How would you describe them? Are they introverted/extroverted? What are their behavior styles? How do they approach authenticity and relationships? Let your brain go into your Default Mode Network. Stare out of a window and think: what could you do to build a more authentic relationship with each of the people you are thinking of? How can you go slow to go fast? I will add one final step, that came from the quote from Mo Issa and suggest that once we have done the work ourselves, and know what makes us truly authentic, we know our own unique gifts and talents, and we continue to nurture and grow them, we can next look outward, and recognize the unique talents and gifts in others. We covered this practice extensively on EP 214 with Dr. Marie Gervais[xv], by learning to see the “spirit” in others.

I’m confident that by practicing these steps, with each person we want to build a deeper, more authentic relationship with, (whether in our personal or professional lives) that we will notice strides of improvement, once we have identified and appreciated our own authenticity and uniqueness. Then, we can recognize it in others for the magic to occur.

REVIEW AND CONCLUSION

To review and conclude this week’s episode #345 on “The Neuroscience of Relationships and Authenticity” we covered:

✔ Mo Issa’s definition of authenticity from his book The Shift: How to Awaken the Aliveness from Within

Mo believes that “true authenticity means being ourselves—not an imitation of what we think we should be or what others want us to be. We all have a unique gift, and we must find and nurture it.” (Mo Issa, The Shift).

✔ Andrea’s reflection from 2021 when Mo Issa asked her “what does authenticity mean to you?”

What’s authentic for me—it’s living life according to my values. Living who I am by design. If I’m not putting health first, (for myself and my family) or learning, growing, researching, and then disseminating/sharing what I’ve learned, I’m not living my true authentic self. It will hurt my productivity if I compromise who I am, at this granular level.

✔ We ask the reader to consider: What makes YOU authentic?

✔ How do you know when you are living a truly authentic life?

✔ Have you identified your unique gifts or talents that make you stand out from others?

✔ Do you know what might be holding you back from being truly authentic?

✔ The Neuroscience of Our Social Brain

“We have two systems in our brain: the X-system and the C-system. The X-system (or reflexive system) is automatic, responsive, like/dislike, reward/threat.

The C-system (or reflective system) is controlled, conscious, with executive function and executive control.” (Chapter 15, Bosnick, Page 186). Motivation and effort are required to engage this part of the brain.

The story of Phineas Gage who destroyed the C-system, in his brain and was operating on X-system only. In other words he had no control over his automatic, reflexive system, and his behavior became unbearable as a result.

The C-system, (that requires motivation and effort to activate) we learned, is important for self-reflection and understanding self/other. We know this part of our brain as the Default Mode Network[xvi], and the part of our brain where we take breaks for creativity, thinking and learning to occur.

“When the brain is at a resting state, this specific system kicks in, which is focused around social understanding (thinking about yourself, others’ thoughts, others’ actions etc.).” We learned to get into this resting state by “staring out of a window and do nothing (except reflecting on what else we can do to improve our relationships) and this knowledge that we uncover will help us to build more authentic relationships. We learned to slow down the conversation with people, truly listen to them empathetically and be fully present with them. This will build the relationship to be deeper…go slow with the conversation and communication in order to go fast with the depth of the relationship.” (Chapter 15, Bosnick, Page 186).

✔ 4 Steps to Building More Authentic Relationships

Think of a person in your business, or personal life, that you would like to build a more authentic relationship with. Get to know them on a deeper level. How would you describe them? Are they introverted/extroverted? How do they approach authenticity and relationships? Let your brain go into your Default Mode Network. Stare out of a window and think: what could you do to build a more authentic relationship with each of the people you are thinking of? How can you go slow with your conversation to go fast with the depth of the relationship? And finally, we looked at the quote from Mo Issa that suggests that once we have done the work ourselves, and know what makes us truly authentic, once we know our own unique gifts and talents, and we continue to nurture and grow them, next, we can look outward, and recognize the unique talents and gifts in others.

I will close out this episode with a quote from Mo Issa’s second book, The Shift that says “we all have a primal need to belong—a human urge to be part of something larger than us. We fulfill that need when we connect authentically to exchange energy and feel seen, heard and valued.” (Mo Issa)

Let me know what you think. Did this episode help you to improve your authenticity, and deepen your relationships?

I know this episode will take time to practice and refine. It’s taken me my lifetime so far to fully embrace my unique talents and gifts, where I recognize my own authenticity. Now I’ve got the rest of my life to take this understanding and help me to build stronger, deeper relationships with others.

And with that thought, I’ll see you next time where we will cover chapter 16 from Grant Bosnick’s Tailored Approaches to Self-Leadership, on biases.

REFERENCES:

[i] Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning Podcast EPISODE #321 with Grant ‘Upbeat’ Bosnick https://andreasamadi.podbean.com/e/insights-from-grant-upbeat-bosnick/

[ii]Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning Podcast EPISODE #7 with Greg Wolcott on “Building Relationships in Today’s Classrooms” https://andreasamadi.podbean.com/e/greg-wolcott-on-building-relationships-in-todays-classrooms/

[iii] www.significant72.com

[iv] Social Relationships and Health: A Flashpoint for Health Policy Published August 4, 2011, by Debra Umberson and Jennifer Karas Montez https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3150158/

[v] Self-Assessment for Grant Bosnick’s book https://www.selfleadershipassessment.com/

[vi] www.mo-issa.com

[vii] The Midlife Shift by Mo Issa https://www.mo-issa.com/book (COMING SOON).

[viii] The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Power-of-Vulnerability-Audiobook/

[ix] The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown https://www.blinkist.com/en/books/the-power-of-vulnerability-en

[x] Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek 2014, https://www.amazon.com/Leaders-Eat-Last-Together-Others/dp/1591845327

[xi] Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning Podcast EPISODE 186 on “Using Neuroscience to Understand the Introverted vs Extroverted Brain” https://andreasamadi.podbean.com/e/brain-fact-friday-on-using-neuroscience-to-understand-the-introverted-and-extroverted-brain/

[xii]Phineas Gage, Neuroscience’s Most Famous Patient https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/phineas-gage-neurosciences-most-famous-patient-11390067/

[xiii] Neuroscience Meets SEL Podcast EPISODE #48 “Brain Network Theory” https://www.achieveit360.com/brain-network-theory-using-neuroscience-to-stay-productive-during-times-of-change-and-chaos/

[xiv] IBID

[xv]Neuroscience Meets SEL Podcast EPISODE #214 on “The Spirit of Work: Connecting Science and Business Practices and Sacred Texts for a Happier and Healthier Workplace” https://andreasamadi.podbean.com/e/marie-gervais-phd-on-the-spirit-of-work-connecting-science-business-practices-and-sacred-texts-for-a-happier-and-more-productive-workplace/

[xvi] Neuroscience Meets SEL Podcast EPISODE #48 “Brain Network Theory” https://www.achieveit360.com/brain-network-theory-using-neuroscience-to-stay-productive-during-times-of-change-and-chaos/