Episode 060 - The Cufflinks, the Pen and the Paper

Stop Making Yourself Miserable

It’s no secret that advertising is a big business. It’s projected that the combined ad-spend in the United States for the year 2023 will be over 165 billion dollars. And one thing to consider is what exactly are advertisers trying to achieve with this money? What are they trying to do?

The answer is very simple. They are trying to create a state of mind within consumers that will make them want to buy their product. Now, of course, there’s an entire art and science that goes into it, but this is the bottom line. Create a state of mind that makes the consumer want to buy the product. That’s it.

On a subtextual level, the message of the ad is – get this product, your problem will be solved and your life will improve in some important way. Depending on the consumer’s need, the underlying message might be - with our product, you’ll be happier or healthier, or richer, or more desirable, or more popular, and on and on and on. In other words, get this product and your life will improve. And of course, if the ad is done right, it can be very compelling. That’s why it’s such big business.

With this in mind, let me tell you something that happened to me back in the mid 70’s, when I happened to see a certain ad in a magazine. It was a picture of a man’s hand as he signed a credit card bill. He was wearing a dark business suit and his white shirt sleeve showed that he was wearing a gold cufflink. He was signing the credit card receipt with a gold Cross pen. A folded copy of the Wall Street Journal was next to the small tray that held his American Express credit card.

I don’t remember the exact caption, but it was something like, “When you know who you are, you know what you’re doing.” Now in those days I was in my mid-twenties and trying to get myself started in a worthy career, and the ad really captured my attention. It all seemed so perfect. I remember thinking, “Boy would I love to be that guy.”

And of course, when an ad really does its job, your mind doesn’t stop there. That’s just the beginning. The image invades your imagination and hits you right between the dreams. I started daydreaming about what my life would be like once I became this super successful guy. I’d be driving a great car and wearing cool clothes. Maybe I’d buy a home in Florida and go down there every winter. I wonder what kind of car I would buy. Should I get a convertible? And what about the house in Florida. Should I get it on the ocean or the bay. The bay has nicer sunsets. And you know, this kind of daydreaming never stops. You just keep going until you have to come back to the real world for some reason or other.

Anyway, as the world turns, a few weeks later I got notified by the IRS that my mother was being audited. At the time, I was handling her affairs so it was up to me to get fully prepared and go to the IRS office and deal with the coming proceedings.

Of course, getting notified that you are being audited by the IRS isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. It’s not even in the same league as the big stuff, like having someone close to you dying or being diagnosed with a terminal illness. No, it’s not in the same league as any of that. But it’s no walk in the park either, especially not for this kid in his mid-twenties who was trying figure out some way to become a man.

I kept preparing for the audit and as the IRS appointment was approaching, I happened to tell a friend about it who told me a Jewish joke that he thought would be appropriate. Now Jewish humor has a lot of different layers to it. It’s truly an arcane topic. Tons of books have been written and a variety of documentaries have been made, but at some point, they all speak about something called “chutzpah.” It’s a Yiddish word that defies exact translation, but it’s like having nerve, gall, or audacity mixed with an adult dose of wit and humor, along with a thousand other nuances as well.

Anyway, in the joke, this man finds out that he is being audited by the IRS. He goes in to see his accountant for some advice. “Take it from me,” the accountant says. “You go in there looking like a pauper. Dress in your most modest clothes and look like you haven’t got a cent. You’re broke. You have nothing.”

The man then decides to consult with his attorney and the lawyer gives him the exact opposite advice. “Walk into that office looking like you are the most together guy in the world. Have the appearance of total confidence and complete competence. Dress rich and show them you are not someone to be trifled with.”

Now the man was pretty confused so he went to see his rabbi, who stroked his beard slowly while he listened to the conflicting advice from the accountant and the lawyer. After the man had finished, the Rabbi said, “Well, your situation reminds me of the story of a young woman who was about to be married and she seeks the advice of her mother and her older sister about what she should wear on her honeymoon night.

Her sister told her, “Go into the bathroom to change and when you come out, be wearing the skimpiest, sexiest negligee you can find. When you walk into that room, you’ll drive him absolutely nuts!”

Then the young woman went to her mother who said the opposite. “Go into the bathroom and when you come out, be wearing a plain nightgown that covers you up completely, from your neck to your feet. Don’t show him anything. Keep it secret. Be a mystery. Make him want to find out what you’ve got under there. He won’t be able to control himself.”

Then the rabbi stopped talking and just stared at the man.

“Rabbi,” the man finally said. “With all due respect, I came in here to ask you what I should do with the IRS and you tell me this wedding night story. I don’t get it. What’s the point?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the Rabbi said. “My mistake. I thought the meaning was clear. You’re just like that young lady on her honeymoon night. It doesn’t matter what you wear. Either way, you’re going to get screwed!”

Now this is an edited version of the joke. In the real version the wise, but salty Rabbi doesn’t say “screwed.” He uses a four-letter word that begins with “F” and ends with “K” and it’s not “fork.”

So much for that. A few days later it was time for the audit, which was scheduled for 1:30 in the afternoon. The IRS suburban office was located very close to a shopping center that had a great deli, so I decided I would eat lunch there first and then go to the audit.

As I began to get dressed for the appointment, I thought about the joke and decided to go with the lawyer’s advice. So I got out my best suit and tie. But when I looked for a dress shirt, all of mine happened to be dirty. I looked more thoroughly through my closet and I saw that there was one white shirt hanging in the very back and I realized I hadn’t worn it for about ten years. I don’t think I’d even seen it in all that time.

It was clean, but when I went to put it on, to my disappointment I saw it needed cufflinks. I couldn’t remember the last time I wore cufflinks but I did have some gold ones in my jewelry box that I had gotten as a Bar Mitzvah gift. I got them out and put them on and noticed that there was a gold Cross pen in there too. It had been so long since I had seen it, I’d forgotten I even had it. It was so old that I doubted that the ink would still write, but I put it in my shirt pocket anwyay, thinking it might make me look more professional.

I got dressed and drove over to the deli near the IRS office. I was going to eat alone, so I went over to the magazine stand to get something to read. There wasn’t much there, but the Wall Street Journal caught my eye. Now, I knew absolutely nothing at all about stocks and bonds, but I thought I would try to read it during lunch and maybe I could pick up some much-needed financial knowledge. And besides, I figured it might be a good idea to be carrying it when I walked into the IRS office. It couldn’t hurt.

So, I sat there and ate my lunch while I tried to read the paper, but I couldn’t make any sense out of it at all. It might as well have been written in Greek.

After a little while the waitress brought the check. It was a bit more than I thought it would be and I realized that my credit cards were getting maxed out. I did have an American Express card, but I never used it because you had to pay off the complete balance every month. I decided to give it to the waitress anyway and when I did, I started feeling pretty down in the dumps.

As you can probably tell, things weren’t going all that great for me financially at the time and the larger picture had gotten pretty rough as well. My mother, who was only in her early sixties had gotten very ill. She had already suffered a major stroke, was being prepared for brain surgery and the outlook for her was grim. And here I was, about to go into an IRS audit which could be quite costly. To make some headway, I had tried to read the Wall Street Journal and to my sad disappointment, I realized that a chimpanzee would have had a better chance at getting something out of it. And to top it off, I had to use my American Express card, which unexpectedly made it all worse. In reality, as I sat there, I basically felt like an abject failure

Finally, the waitress came back and put the small tray with the credit card on the table. I pulled the gold Cross pen out of my pocket and went to sign the receipt.

But at that moment as I looked at my hand, what I saw made me suddenly freeze. I was wearing a dark business suit and my white shirt sleeve showed that I was wearing a gold cufflink. I was signing the credit card receipt with a gold Cross pen. A folded copy of the Wall Street Journal was next to the small tray that held my American Express credit card.

To the tee, I was in an exact replica of that alluring ad I had recently seen in a magazine. It was truly uncanny and I was so astounded that I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. When I had first seen that ad, it projected the image of someone who had his life together on every level, and I deeply longed to be him. And now, due to a totally unrelated set of random coincidences, I had become the living embodiment of the ad. For that one moment, I was the guy in the picture.

But unfortunately, I was living the exact opposite life that the picture had promised. It was quite a stroke of irony and if it had it had been a joke, it would have been pretty funny.

The ad’s caption had read, “When you know who you are, you know what you’re doing.” But the truth was, I didn’t know who I was and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. The image had made me dream of a new car, new clothes and a winter home in Florida. And even though I was dressed for the part, instead of living out these wonderful and relaxing fantasies, I was about fifteen minutes away from walking into an IRS audit. I had just finished lunch and felt like I had eaten a big bowl of stress for dessert. It was just plain scary.

As you can tell, I never forgot that moment, or the deep lesson it taught me. Don’t rely on external appearances. You never know what’s really happening just by looking at an alluring image. The reality may quite different from the fantasy. Well so much for advertising, not to mention a million other illusions we run into in this life.

Anyway, in case you’re interested, I did go through with the audit and the wise rabbi from the joke was actually wrong. Things turned out quite well and the IRS actually gave us a nice refund, so I didn’t get forked at all.

I had done my best to prepare, but it felt like I also had some extra help. Maybe it was what I was wearing or that I was carrying the Wall Street Journal when I walked into the office. Or maybe it was just plain luck. One thing I think we all can agree on - No matter what challenge you may be facing in your life, a strong, old-fashioned dose of just plain good luck never hurts. I know I’ll always be deeply grateful for it.

Well, so much for this slightly taxing episode. As always, keep your eyes, mind and heart opened and let’s get together in the next one.