The Holidays and Autism: Holding Fast and Letting Go

Autism in the Adult

Join Dr. Regan for this episode on neurodiversity and holiday celebrations. Sometimes the most memorable moments come from holding tightly to our foundations and releasing other things that don't fit our season of life or individual needs.

Planning a Merry Holiday on the Autism Spectrum, podcast episode 2020

Dr. Regan's Resources

Course for Clinicians - Interventions in Autism: Helping Clients Stay Centered, Connect with Others, and Engage in Life

Course for Clinicians: ASD Differential Diagnoses and Associated Characteristics

Book: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed

Audiobook

Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors

Autism in the Adult website homepage

Website Resources for Clinicians

Read the transcript here:

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Hello and I'm glad you're joining me today for this episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.

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I am your podcast host,

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Dr Theresa Regan,

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a neuropsychologist.

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I am the founder and director of an autism diagnostic clinic in central Illinois for adolescents,

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adults and geriatric patients.

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I'm a certified autism specialist and the mother of a teen on the spectrum.

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Today we are going to talk about the holiday season.

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If you are listening to this shortly after its release,

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you may be within a holiday season as well.

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There are many different meaningful celebrations going on at this time of year across the world and those look different across families and countries and backgrounds and faith experiences.

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But many of us are celebrating a yearly,

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meaningful

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moment in our lives and that can get hectic.

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It can get exciting ... and we're going to talk about how to do that with intention and meaning and hopefully a bit more peace,

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particularly in light of the neuro diversity that may be within your home or your extended family.

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I published one other holiday episode two years ago and re ran that last year. I will link that in the show notes in case you're wanting even more ideas or information about holiday seasons.

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What I wanted to talk to you about today is really something that impacts everyone regardless of generation,

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regardless of region that you're from or what you're celebrating.

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It impacts those on the autism spectrum and impacts neurotypicals... it's something that also is not specific to holidays that really these are concepts I want to talk about related to anything that we celebrate and re celebrate,

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that we have some kind of tradition for ... this meaningful moment or life season.

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And this could pertain to how we celebrate birthdays or the birth of a child,

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the death of a family member,

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a wedding,

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a graduation.

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You know that in addition to holidays,

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these are events that often have some tradition to them.

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Like this is how we

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remember this person.

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This is how we celebrate this event.

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This is this is our tradition.

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And what happens in these moments is that we have reproducible

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items to how we approach this season.

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So we reproduce the birthday celebration.

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We reproduce the holiday celebration... that this is what we do every year.

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This is our tradition.

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This is our expression of joy or meaning or sorrow in the celebration in addition to having a lot of reproduced elements.

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These are also times with heightened emotion and intensity and whether those emotions are joyous or sorrowful or complicated,

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they are there and particularly for the holiday season,

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I think a lot of times there's this feeling of "This year,

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we're going to heighten that excitement.

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We're going to heighten the anticipation and it will be the best holiday ever!"

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And whether we're doing that for ourselves or for kiddos in our household or why we're doing it ... a lot of times.

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there's this quest to reproduce and one-up the last time we celebrated these things.

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It's important to understand that the same adrenaline that feels exciting to many people during these events can also feel overwhelming.

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Adrenaline can feel like anxiety to someone particularly with a sensitive nervous system.

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So someone on the autism spectrum may experience that anticipation,

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the unknown,

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the surprises...

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and this heightened emotion and intense schedule as pretty overwhelming.

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Whereas someone else might say,

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oh,

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I love it.

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It's this anticipation,

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the emotion in the air,

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all the memories... I dive in.

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It's one of my favorite things.

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So here we see that different nervous systems are going to process these moments and celebrations and meaningful events differently.

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And that's one of the things we'll talk about today.

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I'm going to talk about some things that

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I'll invite you to try this holiday season ... or next birthday or next graduation celebration. And one is that I'd really like to invite you to pause and become really psychologically present.

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I think one thing that can happen particularly with the holidays that there is this momentum that comes,

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it's almost like a tidal wave or a tsunami of events and all of a sudden you are kind of just automatically riding this wave of things that are coming at you.

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Again,

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they may be fun things.

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They may be exciting things,

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but often there's really no moment to say,

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okay,

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let's pause and think about what's going on,

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what we need,

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what we'd like to do.

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Um,

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It's just kind of seeing what's coming at us next and riding the wave...

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So I do want to invite us to pause and realize,

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kind of what season we're in,

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what our celebration is about.

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And as we're pausing,

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I would like you to think about ...

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what the season is this year.

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One of the best things that I learned at a time in my life that I guess I needed to hear it was that it's okay for every holiday season to be different ... because it will be we reproduce these events and that's fine.

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But everything won't be reproducible.

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And so one person or family may have a different holiday season this year because they've lost a family member or they've gained family members.

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It may be different for health reasons or financial reasons.

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And sometimes it's not even an individual difference.

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It's

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throughout the whole world,

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you know...

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when we were in the midst of covid and that really just impacted

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everyone.

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And so we have this ability to then pause and become a bit more self aware of what is happening this season that may be a bit different ... and to realize that it's okay to give space to that and to think about how we might want to engage a bit differently this year given these circumstances.

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I think that the intense desire to reproduce and to one-up the greatness and happiness of past holiday seasons can again be the only driving force.

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So if we take a moment and pause and think,

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what is this holiday season going to be like?

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What's what's the reality like in my household,

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in my personal life,

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my work life, in our region,

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in my faith system, in the country...

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And let me become aware of that for a moment.

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in addition to noticing that the seasons of life change... and that there may be different ways that we want to engage in the holiday season.

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(again,

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other birthdays,

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anniversaries,

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etcetera)

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there are also differences in people... that one person in your household is going to need something different than another person.

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And pausing and thinking about that can be really helpful.

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Again,

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the drive to reproduce all of these elements the same way the same year for all people around you...

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That's really difficult.

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And it often doesn't make this season as meaningful.

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So for example,

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one person,

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like we said in the beginning may love surprises and that may be the best part of the holiday season,

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that there are all these little surprises and gifts and wow moments like,

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oh look at this recipe that this person made,

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how new,

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how interesting,

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how exciting ...another person may really want peace and maybe internal introspection or alone time.

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And maybe they want the "silent night" of the Christmas carol ... or

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they want to know ahead of time what will happen because they enjoy the experience

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but they don't like the excitement or the surprise,

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They want to calm down that intensity and that's where the autism piece comes in,

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that someone with a heightened neurology or a different neurology may have different desires and needs and to reproduce everything the same year and

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for every different person,

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I think that takes away some of the real meaning and good memories that we could have.

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What I'd like to invite you to do is to think about what your reality is this year.

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What has gone on this year in your personal life,

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your family life,

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what's the reality for people in your home?

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And I'd also like you to take a personal inventory and to check in with the people that you're closest with,

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that you will be doing the holidays with, and see where they're at and what they need and to take this intentional pause and to ask for everybody's individual needs.

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... I think really helps the holiday season run more smoothly and helps for better connection and more meaning.

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Part of the way that an individual is going to respond will be based on their neurologic makeup and part will be based on their own life story this year,

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invite people to pick 1, 2, ... 3 things that really are the most meaningful for them during a holiday season.

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So you could conceptualize it as what do you want to hold tightly to and what could you hold loosely,

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what do you want to be your foundational holiday experience like ...this is meaningful,

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I love this.

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I look forward to this every year... and what could be,

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you know,

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something you enjoy and you've done,

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but you could hold loosely to it...

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you could release it this year and still feel OK. And when everyone has those one or two things and is able to come together,

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I would invite you to share that together and see what kinds of things come up that are most meaningful and important to people in this framework.

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There is a need to be able to release some things and I think if we are holding on to every reproducible piece of every holiday season tightly because we don't want to miss out or we don't want the kids to miss out or it wouldn't be Christmas without everything going on or Hanukkah,

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... it wouldn't be a birthday if we didn't do this again,

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I'd invite you to pause and think about whether we're doing all of those things out of fear that people will miss out on something.

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And if so maybe we could release that this year and maybe we could pause and make a few more meaningful choices.

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I cannot tell you the number of times I've talked to families in crisis who have a neuro diverse family ... and they're in crisis because you know,

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one or more of them is really having a lot more meltdowns and anxiety. And yet when they leave,

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they talk about

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"oh and we're going to this concert and we're going out of state to visit this relative and we're..."

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and I kind of think,

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you know,

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I think that's an example of where we don't even kind of stop to think like,

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does that match where we're at this year in this family unit?

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And does it match the nervous system for people who are in the family?

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I want to give you an example of a family that went on this journey just to make it come alive and give you some ideas and encouragement to

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focus on this pause and intentionality this year in some way,

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This is a family with a couple who have been married 20 plus years.

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They are now empty nesters.

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They have three young adult Children and one of their adults kids is not going to be home for the holidays this year,

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which is different.

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So that's a piece of their life that is in transition.

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What is this holiday to them?

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Well,

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one of their loved ones won't be there...

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the gentleman in this couple lost his mother this year,

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she passed away.

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Um,

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they each work and they each have had some personal struggles and challenges at work.

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They've had some financial changes.

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Um,

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one of the two kids who is going to be home for the holiday season is doing really well and another of their adult kids whose coming home is struggling,

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their family is neuro diverse.

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And the gentleman in the couple has been diagnosed on the spectrum for a couple of years and the one individual who is actually doing well and really in a good place is also on the spectrum and they have extended family members that they suspect to have qualities or perhaps undiagnosed autism.

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So one of the things that they were invited to do as a couple that started off with the couple kind of focusing on the holiday season,

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They were invited to have this pause and awareness of what's going on in the family.

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What's the context for this year's holiday season and to become more aware of that.

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And they were invited to do this within the context of counseling because they really had had just um,

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about a rough year and a half of relationship issues.

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Um,

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it was complex,

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some of it had to do with empty nest issues and,

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and now that they didn't have the kids there,

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they wanted to rely on each other more for emotional support and companionship.

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And uh,

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there were some rough spots there,

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they had each had their own stressors.

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And so that impacted their ability to connect as well.

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So they were really hurting in their relationship and that was why they went to counseling and that is why the counselor brought up,

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what is this holiday season for you guys where you at in your life and how might the holiday season connect with all of this complexity.

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And that ended up being a really good pause for them.

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Um,

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and they were able to review all of these life events and to think about this concept of whether everything needed to be reproduced um,

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in their life this year again for the holidays.

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They were very active people.

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They both worked full time.

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They there were various volunteer things they did over the holiday season.

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They also hosted more than one holiday gathering at their home for extended family and also for a community organization.

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Uh,

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they just,

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they were busy people.

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They decorated their house.

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So kind of a lot of the normal stuff in there.

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Um,

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geographic region they participated in when they became more self aware,

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they tried to go through this process of what do I want to hold tightly to and what can I hold loosely?

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And they did have this initial reaction like,

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oh,

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I don't want to give this part up.

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Um,

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and they felt increased pressure to make it the best holiday ever because they were struggling that that almost made it more dire for them to make this wonderful.

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And there was the voice in the back of their head that felt like if we can't even make the holidays work.

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Uh,

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you know,

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is there hope for our relationship,

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Can we make other things work if we can't do this kind of very reproducible,

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happy kind of celebration.

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So they thought about that for a while.

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Um and they had a whole list of things they didn't feel like they could release,

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but then you know,

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with a bit more pause,

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they decided that this year they would try it,

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they would try to see and if next year they wanted to do the whole shebang,

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they really could do that.

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An interesting thing for them as a couple to was that they had recently had a really nice personal moments.

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Um they lived in a warm climate and they had this kind of slider um,

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it's kind of like a porch swing,

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but I guess it was on a slider kind of mechanism and they would be in the backyard in that slider swing kind of thing and they've had some nice conversations out there and that was not always the case for them in the season of their life and they both said those were moments recently that were really good.

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Now interestingly the therapist in working with them could see that the gentleman on the spectrum really sought a lot of the stimulator input and that is movement input and that was calming and regulating to his nervous system.

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He was an avid long distance cycler.

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Um he had done other things like downhill skiing and he was really drawn toward movement to feel centered and this was a way that he could get some gentle rocking input while having a conversation that had the potential to have kind of an emotional elevation or difficulty.

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Another thing that the therapist notice that probably made that swing a nice place for them to talk and connect was that there is not a social expectation that you're going to face each other and have this long extended eye contact.

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So when you're in this kind of swing mechanism,

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it's expected that you'll sit side to side and for him that was enough to reduce some of the intensity of the experience to a point where he felt more regulated.

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So this was actually a good place for them.

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And even though there's no reason they can't have a conversation in the house getting away from the house,

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psychologically felt like they were kind of leaving behind and and coming away together.

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Um,

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so that felt like a separating a part that was good for them to have those conversations.

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They also had a pagoda type set up in the backyard with comfy chairs and that was also just a nice place of respite for them both individually and as a couple.

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So in talking through what was going on in their life and what was most meaningful to them that they wanted to hold onto during the holiday season.

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Uh,

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the wife said that lights were really part of the holiday that brought her the most joy and she wouldn't want to not have lights in the house or christmas,

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lights in in what they were doing and so what they decided to do was not to decorate the whole house,

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they decided to put white lights all over the pagoda,

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all over the um swing mechanism chair and to have a little festive area in the back that they could retreat to and kind of connect in that space.

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And that ended up being um,

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both a really nice celebration of the holiday.

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It ended up bringing them together.

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So they worked together to create this space that was meaningful and pleasant and they were able to protect that space where they could communicate.

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And so that felt like a good exchange that a lot of the decorations were released,

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but they did focus on this nice space and on the lights that were important to her.

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Now the husband said that one of the things that was most important to him about the holidays that he wouldn't want to release is he had a whole list of dishes.

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Uh he liked to cook and she was never the cook in the home.

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He,

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he was always the cook and he really liked to reproduce uh family dishes and traditional dishes during the holiday season.

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The difficult thing about that though is that oftentimes because of the way the holiday schedule works.

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You know,

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you end up having to produce all this food in a very short period of time.

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You're having guests,

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you're having a celebration on a particular day.

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So what he held onto were 10 of those dishes?

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Uh he let some go and then he also released having to have these nice meals on a particular day.

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So what they did is they took Multiple weeks out of the season.

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So prior to their thanksgiving that they were celebrating through the Christmas season through the new year and they made 1-2 of those important dishes every week.

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And what they did was they also made them together.

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So now that the kids were gone,

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she actually was interested in learning not to cook mundane meals,

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but she,

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she kind of really did want to get in there and learn some fun stuff.

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So this became a good um,

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couples moment as well and they also had a nice time just having a calm meal together,

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having some of these fun traditional dishes and it offered them the opportunity to reminisce as well.

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And so he could tell his stories again about childhood and this is grandma,

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so,

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and so's recipe and um,

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some of these facts,

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she knew before and some were new and that felt like a meaningful,

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enjoyable thing that they did.

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And for some of these dishes,

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um their kids were home,

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the two kids and they were able to kind of have that family moment as well.

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So there were other things that they did things that each of their kids wanted or needed.

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But this story I think highlights the potential of a couple of things.

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One is realizing what the,

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the life season is for you during a particular birthday season,

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holiday season.

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What is your life season?

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How does that connect also who are the individuals that are in the celebration or this meaningful, reproduced event and what are their specific needs ... and that may be related to their age,

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to their neurology.

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Um lots of different things can impact what a person needs.

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Having this self awareness and pause of those two elements,

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the life season and the individuals that's really helpful.

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It also teaches us to have increased self awareness a lot of times.

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As I said,

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there's this tidal wave about this is what the season is,

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regardless and it it teaches us to be more aware of what we need.

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It encourages people around us to be aware of what they need and to communicate that that's huge.

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We can use that every day.

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This is a household where people have different needs,

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what do you need and let me tell you what I need and how can we bring together a moment and a celebration and a season that is life giving for the people in this home.

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It does require us to hold fast and strong to some foundational things and to release things and the releasing can feel hard,

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but I challenge you to do that this season and to see if there's joy and peace that comes from this.

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Um in a meaningful way.

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Every season can be different.

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You can go back to the whole shebang,

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You can pick different things next season but never feel that you have to go along with the tidal wave just because it's there.

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I hope you have a blessed and meaningful holiday season if you are in the midst of one and that all of your life moments that you celebrate and you pause to add meaning to that these come together to really be a calm and peaceful place in relationship building.

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I'm going to take the rest of the holiday season off and I will see you again for the next episode in january.