Anxious and Avoidant in Relationship: The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson

We all have different needs for closeness and distance, for intimacy and independence. You might have heard terms like anxious or avoidant attachment to describe this, and these tendencies can create challenges - particularly when people with different needs try to relate to each other. In this episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest explore why we're drawn to people who activate our insecurities, how anxiety manifests differently in "pursuers" versus "distancers," and what we can all do to work with our natural tendencies more skillfully. They discuss common relationship patterns, why pursuers usually receive more blame than distancers, schizoid personalities, and practical ways to break free from entrenched patterns.

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You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:00: Key characteristics of pursuers and distancers

9:25: Demands and reassurance

13:35: Assigning blame, and gender stereotypes

20:40: Why opposites attract, the power of small wins, and changing ourselves

31:15: The distancer

40:45: Finding motivation to identify common ground with our partner

54:30: The pursuer

1:00:00: Self-consciousness and ego

1:02:10: Brave questions to ask in your relationship

1:07:00: Recap

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